Still

At times I wish I could stay still for sometime. Just lie on my bed, blankly staring at the roof, not moving a single cartilage. Just lie with my eyes open and feel the stillness. It makes me calm and sooths me down. I start to notice the color of the roof and feel my heart throb. I can hear the fan and the sound of the turning pages, I start noticing the voices from outside instead of just hearing noises. And then slowly as I still keep still, they become sharp noises again, I start hearing sounds which have no real source. The colour of the roof slowly starts to change mysteriously and instead of feeling my pulse i feel the slight trembles they cause in all my muscles. All the calm and the soothness change into anxiety, into fear and my brain starts to feel the rush of every passing second. It gets difficult for me to take it any longer and suddenly, I shut my eyes.
I shut my eyes to signal my brain that i should shut all my senses. I can no more see the changing colors or hear the noises. I don’t feel the trembles anymore, not because my heart stopped beating but because i shut my senses, don’t want to feel it anymore, I’m in denial mode. I could’ve got up and get back to my work, but closing my eyes required less effort and of course slowly I fell asleep.
Ever wonder why we call it falling when we love or sleep? Because it’s when we can’t balance or control ourselves, we hit the bottom, really hard after that. We hit the bottom to wake up. Wake up with either some pain and experience or some pain and a wound.
I didn’t have a sound sleep but it was satisfying, and as I woke up I realized it had been hours, but it felt as if it had just been a few minutes of rest, how could it be?
It was dark outside. There was no one around. Neither did I have the time nor any energy to complete my tasks now. The only thing I could feel was some regret. I could have spent that time talking to people, I could have used it to achieve my goals, I could have created amazing experiences of it. Sleeping was important of course but it was required after I was tired. It would have been relaxing then. When it had already turned dark and there was no one around like now. I should have slept then.
Keeping still is attractive indeed. Doing nothing can also be satisfying. But it doesn’t produce anything except for regret, and it definitely can’t make one happy. Ocean waves raise fish but still water raises parasites.
I hope we don’t do this to our lives.